Discover more from Xavier Ripoll
When I was just a kid, and things got scary, I would climb up to my bed and hide under the covers. That'd make me feel safe for a while, until the danger vanished. But now, more and more I fear that the places I once regarded as secure are becoming inhospitable. I constantly feel sick, and even while awake I'm inside a fever dream.
Sometimes I will eventually fall asleep, and some others I will violently wake up, but I can never be sure which one will come next. I will often wake up two or three times in a row, causing me disorientation and nausea. And at times I will dream that I can't fall asleep and feel like I'm lying numb on my bed for entire days on end. The once clear border between reality and imagination is now permanently gone. I need to puke, but my stomach is always empty. Or I'm feeling thirtsy, but there's no water. I'm perpetually tired, as sleep only sends me to pain again.
On occasion, I will feel brief relief upon waking and think to myself that the agony is finally over, that I can truly breathe and rest now. But then the night falls back, and it's time to go to bed again, and just the sheer anxiety of knowing that the excruciating suffering could return already sends me in sweat.
To mitigate the torture, I've tried hurting myself to no success. If the pain is too great to bear, I pass out and then come to, as if it was all a nightmare. If it's not strong enough, the weakness shakes me further into dismay.
I guess I have to get used to this.